new year new slate

Monday, 02 January 2006

i hope.

well. i'm extending my agony a bit. a service to gracious new boss, who has no idea that there is a deeper reason for my hesitation to stay besides what i told her.

you glutton for punishment. you are some kind of a masochist person, aren't you.

but new year new slate.

i shall (try so very hard to) forget last year's pains. not the events. i learn from them. just the pains.

grown-up tutor is dragging me by both feet as i embrace neverland with my life.

am i becoming a waste?

so many people are optimistic about my future. they tell me how successful i'll be early in life, earlier than i would expect, and they tell me in that sure tone like they've been to the future.

i fear i fail to realize the potential others see in me and i shall never become ... kinetic.

i shall re-learn the guitar this year.

i need money to buy a laptop (i have no computer). upgrade my primordial black and white screen cellphone. this year, i shall scrimp on unnecessary luxury food (yeah right) and pool my money for gadgets. time to stop lusting after gadgets and actually getting them. next in line is the unnecessary, but totally wanted, ipod video.

i learned a lot last year. about people.work.men.relationships.friends. my knowledge bank is oh-growing exponentially. i just don't know if i actually learned from last year's events enough not to repeat my mistakes. something tells me i'm still in denial.

enough unhappiness here. i'm not sad. i'm thinking of the difference. i am not sad. only the elements for happiness are absent for now. well, they're there but i can't focus on them.

but thank God for life. On new year's eve one of the units on the same floor of the building where we sometimes stay caught fire. Didn't reach our unit. Yesternight, a stupid racing taxi almost hit miyuki at an intersection. I had the green light, but good thing i was crossing slowly. said intersection is notorious for motorists suddenly going colorblind.

finally,

thank God for friends. i have always taken them for granted. and gosh. friends forever and i'll be here for your whenver you need a shoulder to cry on make me roll my eyes. i told you i live in a sitcom world where nothing ever goes wrong.

to become aware that someone has watched out for my back all this time is truly a blessing. another thing i learned, those who tell you that they care about you, that they love you, that they will take care of you, are liars. lip servicers. nike is right. the real mccoys don't say it; they just do it.

i want to sing. really well. perhaps i shall throw in voice with the guitar lessons.