sweet as a eucalyptus, terrible as a tempest
visited *loading* times
i come back
not exactly to return
i saw a ghost from my past
and he revealed to me so many things
that opened my eyes,
that told me what i already knew
things that pulled that dratted thorn from my back
things that made me nervous
things that excited me
i am relieved
i am troubled
i am uncertain
i am vindicated
i am once again torn
i can choose to pursue and choose to ignore
yet i know so clearly
when a ghost from the past revisits
and touches your face
i can never run away
until i too touch his face
kiss his forehead
and lay him to rest.
didn't i start out here telling stories?
i remember recounting incidents from childhood to present. and they were funny, too, a lot of them. and some were desperate, black, bland, corny, ridiculous. but they were my stories. i transcribed my life in fragments and there were those who found they liked the stories i told, i think.
and i've been silent for so long, haven't i?
i can tell you it's not for the lack of trying. i've come back in this place a hundred times, typed a few lines away and then left. who knows, i might do the same for this entry.
someone told me it didn't matter. i may have found another outlet and so do not feel the need to write.
but that's not it, is it? i've come back a hundred times to this place that i can't completely abandon, apparently.
so what is it? blogging has lost some of its novelty? the old community has thinned out one by one, moving someplace or disappearing altogether?
no. i tired of telling my desperate stories. i ran out of happy, funny anecdotes to bring a semblance of balance into this place.
nah, i...i'm afraid i lost my stories.
i promise not to use styrocups or disposable cups for coffee anymore.
i thought of a number of resolutions and i said i was gonna blog all of them so i won't forget. but that's all i remember. it has nothing to do with the spiritually charged revelry i just had.
but has everything to do with that emptiness that prevents me from verbally producing any insightful thought i've had in the past two years.
but still, happy new year.
i said i was in, but that might have been too hasty a call.
last week i received an email from the director that they were finalizing their staffing plans and i was one of those seriously being considered.
to say that i was puzzled was an understatement. but outwardly i only muttered a ..what?
did i misunderstand the chairman? though she didn't explicitly say that i was in, she told me that the only reason i reached her stage was that she wanted to know the people working in the company. and she told me to wait for a call for the next procedures. by that i thought she meant, you know, negos and stuff.
i thought i was already out of the woods but i was wrong. and i don't know how i could've misunderstood, because paranoid me always, always interprets on the pessimistic side.
and this week marks the final wait.
i think i'm not going to make it. i'll extend my hands to catch my broken heart.
did i tell you that i cried the first time i met my first boss?
first day of my first job, lunch break. the wooden table attached to the wall in the small room they called a pantry was teeming with tiny creepy crawling creatures - speedy, aggressive creatures coming at you! well, forgive me if i was (still am not) used to eating with these crawlers. I screamed. and screamed. and moved to the door to escape. except somebody closed the door.
which made me totally panic as i was trapped in a small, enclosed room with the creatures, causing me to tear furiously. I managed to open the door and lo, and behold, who was outside but dear first boss.
i mumbled some sorry whatever and ran to my desk. he was a dear, he followed me to ask if i was okay. but the point is, what a way to make a first impression, eh?
***
As if following a mold, would you believe that i also cried the first time i met my second boss? (technically she's third boss, because the carry over boss is my second.) well anyway, during my interview with her, she asked me what my biggest crisis has been so far.
Stupid me could only tell her, in the vaguest of terms, without revealing any information as to the personality involved not even the gender, about the only crisis that came to mind. then i was tearing up. but i wasn't bawling or anything embarrassing like that. it was, i realized, it was painful to mention the incident to a stranger.
i mean what other big crisis was i gonna tell her?? that i was forced to take a cab after my scrabble tournament because my big brother didn't want to pick me up? tell her of all the acts of terrorism the creepy crawling creature give me?
I thought i had better tell her something considered a real crisis in the real world.
i wanted the earth to swallow me.
She was very nice though, i think i'm going to like her. what a way to make an impression to one of the prime movers in the industry, eh?
***
i have a sinking feeling, eunmi, that either you are so very cute or deep down just plain kulang sa pansin (sorely lacking in attention). you continue to outdo yourself every time.
***
oh, i'm in though. i'll be joining the labor force again soon. I just don't know when exactly, as that's for another discussion with the immediate bosses.
***
since this is such a slambook post, i had better take the time to thank the people to whom i owe so very much. who patiently bore with me (and i bet were so very bored, too) during my panicky, franticky phase. lildramaprincess tops the list ( i told you!). In no particular order now, herbkins, fatherly p, and sisterly c.
special mention to a certain beady character who for a semi-stranger believes quite a lot in me. 
***
i have a confession: i am so not eunmi in real life.
yes, there are glimpses of eunmi. at times. when i talk to certain people. but i'm not this brooding, whingy, sentimental, panicky, franticky, unstable fool that you read. it's this blog's fault. i was emotionally constipated (too) when i started (for those who remember). it's this blog! it opened my heart's tearducts and now i can't stop. I wail as Christina Yang did, "Somebody sedate me!!!"
nakialam ka na naman.
hindi mo mapigil. nakalunok ka kasi ng auto-correct feature sa sistema mo diba?
kaya hindi mo na trabaho, nangialam ka na naman.
okay, hindi ka nakialam. nagbigay ka lang ng feedback.
pasensya na sa sumalo ng trabahong iniwanan ko.
alam kong allergic ka diyan at nahihirapan kang gawin.
pero alam mo, mahal ko iyang column natin.
kung maaari lang na kunin ko iyon, eh kukunin ko talaga iyon. pero hindi.
ang kaso, column iyon eh. nababasa siya sa pahayagang dinidistribute sa buong bansa.
maganda naman ang topic na napili mo. kaso, halatang-halatang kulang ka sa pananaliksik at kaalaman tungkol dito.
responsibilidad natin (mo na ngayon) ang magpalaganap ng tamang kaalaman sa publiko sa pamamagitan ng pagsusulat. gaano man kaliit ang inaccuracy, bawal. lalo na sa napakahirap na topic. isang topic na hindi naiintindihan ng karaniwang tao. maski nga di-pangkaraniwang tao nahihirapan unawain ito. ang sinulat mo ay hindi nakakapagbigay ng tamang impormasyon. bagkus, ito ay lalong nakakapagpalabo sa isang mahirap na usapin. nakakagulo. nakakalito.
yung sinabi ko sayo, ay sobrang sobrang banayad sa totoong saloobin ko. gusto ko talagang himayin ang artikulong sinulat mo. kung ano ang hindi na dapat kasali. kung alin ang walang kinalaman sa topic. kung ano ang maling impormasyon. pero wala na akong karapatan gawin iyan ngayon.
ang masama pa nito, sabi mo pina-check mo siya dun sa isang empleyado nung ahesiyang dalubhasa sa topic na napili mo. ang kaso, bago siya. hindi lang sa bago, mukhang hindi pa responsableng empleyado. ilang reklamo na ang narinig ko tungkol sa kanya. sa pagpapasa niya ng trabaho sa ibang tao na dapat ay sa kanya. sa pagpapaliban ng trabaho hanggang sa pinakahuling sandali.
tapos siya ang kinonsulta mo?!?!?!
naiinis ako! nalulungkot! ang pinakaayaw ko sa lahat na mababasa ay yung mga artikulong may maling impormasyon! hindi mo na mababawi iyan eh.
ewan. pakiramdam ko wala akong karapatan ilabas maski itong saloobin na ganito. hindi naman sa nagmamagaling ako. o nagmamataas. nagpapaka-righteous. iniisip ko, isa ba itong katangahan? naging ganyan ba ako katanga? ang sagot ay hindi. tanga ako. pero hindi pabaya. kahit kailan hindi ako naging pabaya sa nilalaman ng mga sinulat ko.
sana naman, bago ka sumulat ulit, siguraduhin mo ang laman.
what the hell?!?!?!
i lost my post!!!!
hwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
sigh, i am too tired to rewrite my post. i hate you at this moment, whoever/whatever you are that's responsible for the loss of my text.
i once joined a university-wide scrabble tournament during my second year.
just to establish myself as a certified nerd (i think geek is the "cooler" term now?), the four physed courses i took were table tennis, bowling, scrabble, and self-defense for women, all of which i got 3s and 2.75s except scrabble, for which i got a 1.25.
I love this game, and i haven't played in eight years. During the tournament, i played with people who had their plays ready as soon as i hit my clock and was counting my score. it took them 5 seconds for a play while it would take me minutes. but then, for some freaky reason, i made it to the final 10. I was the tenth.
The final 10! That meant i was among the nerdiest word nerds in the country's top university. Tsk! Tsk!
Which really only meant that I was way under their league and had no chance of becoming scrabble champ. It would probably please everyone to know that I inched a seat up in the finals. So I finished ninth. At least I wasn't last! I won ah shining, shimmering certificate and a package of Lapid's Chicharon! I forget the other prizes.
Unfortunately, i can only remember going home sad and semi-scared. You see, back then i wasn't a driver yet. And my dear brother did not want to pick me up. And I usually hitched a ride with my friend to and from school. And i wasn't encouraged to take the public ride by my not at all paranoid mother. And I was a super cartographic idiot then. And my uni transforms into a deep, dark, woods at nightfall.
And i had to go home alone. Not knowing how to take the public utilities I rode a cab. And i didn't know where the cab was passing. so i just had to cross my fingers that he will not take me for a ride.
i played again last night with some friends at the old office. and of course I won.
eight years and still a certified nerd.
tomorrow will mark the first week of waiting
it's killing me
i realize i submitted an incomplete resume
i did not include my special skills:
acute spider-sense - can hear creepy crawling creatures scuttle and flap wings before they attack
amateur taxonomist - can classify creepy crawlers as to vicious, kindly, old and dying
and not least,
excellent actor
i appear calm and collected, perfectly under control but to the chosen few to whom i betray my true feelings
that i am so very impatient
i abhor waiting
i scoff at waiting
though i am an excellent waiter. i can wait on people
but eunmi does not wait for any body
and i have the lowest EQ on earth
i want to know their answer now
is it me or not?
do not let me hope for naught
i might not have enough light to burn
ahhh
and i know real life
is about plan b's and c's
which is why i will be calm and collected and perfectly under control whatever their answer might be
nobody else needs to know i kick myself
because i'm a failure at interviews
which is why i'm not too hopeful
i'll be in my crypt.
tomorrow is my second interview.
there goes my zen again.
the lazybones, reclusive me is tortured by this repetition of the emotional rollercoaster it underwent just last week.
but i'm not panicked or frantic anymore
just blank
boy, i think that's worse.
okay, really. this. is. serious.
the president did not show up last time. which was fantastic because my panic fizzled into calm, stable eunmi instantly
but he will tomorrow so maybe i'll be frantic again.
oh dear oh dear.
what's he gonna ask me?
is he gonna review the slam book i signed for their hr and make me explain why i wrote what i wrote?
name your 5 greatest assets and why. name your 5 greatest liabilities and why.
my big mouth. that is my asset and my liability. okay.
wish me luck.
pray me over.
working girl again.
am i ready for the world?
do you all know that this panicky franticky display is twilight zoney abnormal of me and that i have no idea why i am being so?
